The Treadmill

So, I don't have anything exciting to report on today, but I thought to myself "I should really write about some of the past things that have happened to me." so here's one of them for your reading pleasure.

A few years back, I was training for a half marathon, so I spent a lot of time running. It was winter, so I was running on a treadmill. Now, let me preface this story with a little treadmill etiquette for you non-runners. For me, running on a treadmill is like peeing in a urinal for dudes. If there are 4 urinals open, and one guy on the end urinal, you don't go right next to him, do you? That's just awkward. Well.... some people don't realize that's proper treadmill etiquette, specifically one chick who often flashed me in our pilates and yoga classes.

This particular day, I had to run 7 miles or so. I'm rounding the 2nd mile, and with 4 open treadmills, on hops flasher chick right next to me. I can overlook this etiquette issue, but what I can't overlook is someone who consistently glances at my speed and bumps hers up to try to "beat" me. We are on treadmills, doll, you aren't going to win some race here. I know I have 5 miles left to go, so I try to zone out and ignore her crappy gym behavior, when suddenly, I feel like I'm passing her. Now, again, we're on treadmills. I shouldn't feel like I'm passing someone, as we should be running right next to each other the whole time, no? So, I glance over only to see her frantically trying to reach for the emergency stop button as she launches off of the back of the treadmill.

I, of course, start laughing. Audibly. She jumps back onto the treadmill like nothing happened after peeling herself off of the ground, and keeps running. At this point, I wanted to say "just leave and come back when NONE of us are here anymore", but I didn't. Instead, I tried to focus on the fact that I now had 4 miles left of running next to her, and if I continued laughing I would probably not be able to do it.

After I finished my jaunt, I grabbed my workout bag and headed out the door. I was still chuckling to myself as I reached into my purse to call a friend and tell them about the situation when I tripped on a crack in the sidewalk and face planted, right there in front of the giant gym windows.

The universe sure showed me that day, didn't they?

The Alarm Clock

Last week, on a particularly chilly morning, I had the pleasure of sleeping in. I was working from home that day, which for me meant sleeping until 11 am or so, and then getting up and working my ass off all day long (yes, I actually do work from home). My roommate had left for his Christmas vacation. His room is directly below mine.

Imagine my surprise when at about 9:30 am I wake up to the "BEEP BEEP BEEP" of an alarm clock somewhere in our house going off. Of course, for the past half hour the alarm had conveniently made it's way into my dream, and in the dream I kept trying to smash the alarm clock. So, I woke up a little angry, and a little groggy. I struggled to throw on a robe, lurched downstairs into his room and ripped the cord out of the wall. In an effort to make it stop, I somehow flipped it upside down. I moseyed back upstairs and juuuuuust as I was blissfully falling back to sleep I hear the faint "BEEP BEEP BEEP" of his alarm clock...again. Turns out, he has batteries in it to keep it running when the power goes out, and when I flipped it over all I'd really done is hit snooze.

Sigh.

I should have been named Murphy.

...If it can happen, it will happen to me.

I find that I’m often telling my friends “I can’t even make these stories up.” I’m not that creative. Really. All of the stories that you are about to read are things that have happened to me in my life. I wish that I were creative enough to make up some of the things that have happened to me, but alas, I am not.

I've always said I would write a book. I've even got a few chapters done. But then I realized how much work that is. And I'd have to find a publisher. Plus, people would have to know who I am as a result. So instead, I'm writing this blog anonymously. I don't even know if anyone will read it, but I'm going to do it anyways. If you've stumbled upon this website, congratulations, and enjoy the hilarity that is my life.

DISCLAIMER: No real names will show up in this book, but I’m also not going to hide people’s identities. These are true stories, granted, from my one sided, jaded point of view, but stories that have happened to me none the less.